I got my mission call yesterday.
I am hereby called to serve in the Czech/Slovak Mission.
I'm flabbergasted. Honestly I have not words. That was the last place on the planet I would put myself. Luckily, I don't get to question it because it was chosen by the Lord.
I have looked up so much information on it. I still can't believe I am going to the Czech Republic and Slovakia.
Woah. Mind. Blown.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
It's only a Blink from Diapers to Depends.
Sometimes I wonder about my life. (That's what happens when your cooky Art History professor assigns you an assignment on "spirituality") What if I got some kind of weird cancer that exploded like a comet in my chest and and went from my heart to the tip of my big toe then shot like a meteor through my arms and my head? What if I walked outside one day only to be hit my a flying toilet seat for a nearby space aircraft taking it's final descent into the atmosphere? What if one day, I just didn't wake up? I've heard once that you only die when the youngest person you know says your name for the last time. That made me think...who is the youngest person I know? Are they friend? Foe? Both? How do they feel when they think about me? I'm a huge believer that you can say something to someone and in 20 years that person won't remember a single word that you spoke, they might not even remember what your voice sounded like. That person will, however, remember the feeling that you gave them. Am I "giving off good vibrations"? That's a dumb question. But still. How are you suppose to know that? There could be someone out there with a voodoo doll of me saying how much they hate my G-U-T-S. And I probably wouldn't even be able to tell you why.
I need to make a list. And after I make that list, I need goals. I don't want to coast through life anymore, one netflix movie after another. Did you know that there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour? There are 24 hours in 1 day. 365 days in 1 year. I've been alive for 19 years. I have been alive for 599184000 seconds (Give or take a few months in seconds). I hope somewhere between all of those seconds, I have taken the time to help other people with their seconds. If I have helped even just 1 person, the value of my life has been increased exponentially. I hope I took more of those seconds pondering and praying and studying the gospel than I did worrying about what my hair looked like that day and caring what other people thought my hair looked like that day. I hope in all those seconds that I had/have/will have that I'll love my family more and worldly things a little less.
Qu'est-ce que vous ferrez si nous mourions demain?
I hope that I take all those seconds to love myself and my God a little more. I don't think that I give the one person who gave me everything enough credit. So thank you. Words cannot express all you have given me and all you will give to me. So I won't even try.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Adios feminists...
Today was the day. The bane of my existence, the explanation for all the long nights at the library, the reason for my sparse blog entries. Today was THE DAY of my second ECONOMICS midterm... no bueno.
It was also the first day I've ever been walked home. I'm not saying I'm in love with the boy because let's face it Greg and I just didn't "zing," but now I know what it feels for someone to "not want me to walk home alone in the dark." As much as I love my 15 minute walk home from the library at 11:45 pm each night (not knowing if I will be raped, or brutally murdered) I have to say, it was nice not to be alone. So I'm not saying that I am completely giving up on my feminist notions that "I am a strong independent women that doesn't need a man to validate me," but I am definitely rethinking some things.
In true Bruno fashion, I accidentally made the boy walk 3 blocks out of his way, but he seemed okay with it. And for good measure, I went home and put on my 50 cat lady shirt, and went to get snacks at 10 pm. Classic. (ALMOST sister missionary for the win!)
I think the best part about this situation is that good ol' Greg doesn't even know that he brightened my day. It wasn't romantic---all we did was talk about school---- It wasn't elaborate. It wasn't eventhat awkward (and this is me we are talking about).
So thanks Greg for the simplest walk home that shouldn't mean this much... but it means a lot. I guess "I'll be seeing you."
It was also the first day I've ever been walked home. I'm not saying I'm in love with the boy because let's face it Greg and I just didn't "zing," but now I know what it feels for someone to "not want me to walk home alone in the dark." As much as I love my 15 minute walk home from the library at 11:45 pm each night (not knowing if I will be raped, or brutally murdered) I have to say, it was nice not to be alone. So I'm not saying that I am completely giving up on my feminist notions that "I am a strong independent women that doesn't need a man to validate me," but I am definitely rethinking some things.
In true Bruno fashion, I accidentally made the boy walk 3 blocks out of his way, but he seemed okay with it. And for good measure, I went home and put on my 50 cat lady shirt, and went to get snacks at 10 pm. Classic. (ALMOST sister missionary for the win!)
I think the best part about this situation is that good ol' Greg doesn't even know that he brightened my day. It wasn't romantic---all we did was talk about school---- It wasn't elaborate. It wasn't even
So thanks Greg for the simplest walk home that shouldn't mean this much... but it means a lot. I guess "I'll be seeing you."
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Am I living in a Taylor Swift song? and other baby mama obama drama
Okay so maybe my situation isn't exactly like Taylor Swift's but still. "You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me" has never made more sense to me then it does right now.
No I'm not stuck in an off and on relationship that is "just exhausting." I'm one of the friends. T-Swift should write a song about that... oh wait. She has. (cause she's a genius!)
It serves me right for trying to have friends.
I think cat ladies have the right idea. Cats don't ask you what is going on with your roommate and the guy she as been on 2 DATES with. Cats don't trick you into feeding them details about said roommate. I don't even like cats!!!
The only bright side to this situation is that I got to do what I do best. Recover information. (I swear I'm not a gossip, but I love knowledge!) As confusing as boys are, they are also really simple. If you tell them what they consider to be "a secret" they will spill there guts. It doesn't even have to be a secret. You could tell them that you ate broccoli for dinner last night and they will think they know everything about you. Simple. You just have to be careful of oversharing. Which I do. Or offending people. Which I also do. (#noshame)
It's funny how knowing silly things about people makes you feel like you know a little more about their souls, even if you have to tell them about the awkward dating life of your roommate.
In other news, Halloween was pretty fun. I dressed up like a nerd. It wasn't so much dressing up, as it was being in the library all night. once again #noshame.
No I'm not stuck in an off and on relationship that is "just exhausting." I'm one of the friends. T-Swift should write a song about that... oh wait. She has. (cause she's a genius!)
It serves me right for trying to have friends.
I think cat ladies have the right idea. Cats don't ask you what is going on with your roommate and the guy she as been on 2 DATES with. Cats don't trick you into feeding them details about said roommate. I don't even like cats!!!
The only bright side to this situation is that I got to do what I do best. Recover information. (I swear I'm not a gossip, but I love knowledge!) As confusing as boys are, they are also really simple. If you tell them what they consider to be "a secret" they will spill there guts. It doesn't even have to be a secret. You could tell them that you ate broccoli for dinner last night and they will think they know everything about you. Simple. You just have to be careful of oversharing. Which I do. Or offending people. Which I also do. (#noshame)
It's funny how knowing silly things about people makes you feel like you know a little more about their souls, even if you have to tell them about the awkward dating life of your roommate.
In other news, Halloween was pretty fun. I dressed up like a nerd. It wasn't so much dressing up, as it was being in the library all night. once again #noshame.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Conversation
It was definitely an enlightening weekend.
What I learned:
Not to get all churchy on y'all, but it was a really good Sabbath day. It was ward conference today and the topic was conversion. --Alma 37:37
For some reason it hit me really hard. I don't pray enough. One of the speakers started relaying the song "If the Savior stood Beside me" and how we should live like he is always beside us. But all I kept think was. Man, what if we have nothing to talk about. What if it is one of those awkward moments were no one is talking so then I just start saying random off the wall crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. (Is this sacreligious?) I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but honestly I don't share enough with them. It wasn't until Sunday that I realized, I'm not praying because they need to know what is going on in my life because they know everything. God is Omniscient for goodness sakes! I'm praying to them for me. It's like the hymn, "Where Can I turn for Peace" I can turn to Heavenly Father, that's where. I can't do everything. I'm not Martha.
It was also a great day because we had a Vocal Point fireside. Those guys are seriously the best. They are like the city of Enoch. They should all get an automatic pass straight to Heaven. Any guy who prays for the safety of his future wife when he is 16 years old has serious general authority potential.
Another one talked about how chocolate is not the same as peanut butter. No matter how much peanut butter we eat and how much we want it to be chocolate. It never will be. So we need to look out for substitutes because they are never going to replace the real thing. Last thing (I promise) they asked us to think about what you would do if you knew you would never see someone again. What would you say? I really hope that this never happens.
it just got me thinking.
What I learned:
- Boys really hate zombies, and when you cover their apartment in streamers... unless they are the ones helping you, then they really like it.
- Don't have pumpkin carving parties because no one will come, or just don't have pumpkins at all because they get stolen from unknown assailants.
- Be careful who you trust.
- Trust Heavenly Father
- Don't forget to pray
Not to get all churchy on y'all, but it was a really good Sabbath day. It was ward conference today and the topic was conversion. --Alma 37:37
For some reason it hit me really hard. I don't pray enough. One of the speakers started relaying the song "If the Savior stood Beside me" and how we should live like he is always beside us. But all I kept think was. Man, what if we have nothing to talk about. What if it is one of those awkward moments were no one is talking so then I just start saying random off the wall crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. (Is this sacreligious?) I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but honestly I don't share enough with them. It wasn't until Sunday that I realized, I'm not praying because they need to know what is going on in my life because they know everything. God is Omniscient for goodness sakes! I'm praying to them for me. It's like the hymn, "Where Can I turn for Peace" I can turn to Heavenly Father, that's where. I can't do everything. I'm not Martha.
It was also a great day because we had a Vocal Point fireside. Those guys are seriously the best. They are like the city of Enoch. They should all get an automatic pass straight to Heaven. Any guy who prays for the safety of his future wife when he is 16 years old has serious general authority potential.
Another one talked about how chocolate is not the same as peanut butter. No matter how much peanut butter we eat and how much we want it to be chocolate. It never will be. So we need to look out for substitutes because they are never going to replace the real thing. Last thing (I promise) they asked us to think about what you would do if you knew you would never see someone again. What would you say? I really hope that this never happens.
it just got me thinking.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Time to Put on my Big Girl Pants.
Seriously half the time what am I thinking? Maybe I'm not thinking. Maybe that is my problem. I don't think. Like this weekend, I clearly wasn't thinking when I blew of my real friend to hang out with people in my ward. That is what not thinking looks like.
You know what not thinking gets you? It gets you a 7th wheel on a triple date is what. (Go stargazing they said, it's not a date they said.) Note to self: I love Diana, but when she is concerned it's always a date. (Her on a date and me all alone and stuff.)
I may have had a minor freak out about this situation. (And by minor I mean I cried in the cold at 2 AM and refused to return to my apartment).
Honestly why? Why freak out about this. I know I am emotional and I know I cry, but sometimes crying only gets you so far. At some point I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and get over it. Crying isn't going to get my mission papers done, and crying isn't going to study for me and crying isn't going to make guys like me. In fact it's the opposite. It's a waste of time.
Now don't get me wrong. I know that there are times when every girl needs to watch an improperly categorized netflix movie and have a good cry. But seriously I tear up when people talk about puppies. It's a problem. And most of the time it's self-pity, which is the worst kind of pity because it's selfish.
So seriously what to do? Wear my heart on my sleeve, or make like the abominable snowman and be cold?
W.H. Arden said,
I'm not even applying this to my love life, because I don't have or want one (BUMP that I'm going on a mission!) But I'm talking with all of my relationships. I'm so needy. I want to be the person giving the advice, not the one demanding it. I need to grow up.
Pixie dust, fairy tales and T-Swift songs are cute when you are 8 years-old but there is a point where dreams either become goals or they go to the place where all abandoned dreams go (probably the same place where missing left socks go... why is it that only 1 of them gets lost. It kills me!) But I digress.
Come on Bruno, be a man. Be tough. Or don't?
You know what not thinking gets you? It gets you a 7th wheel on a triple date is what. (Go stargazing they said, it's not a date they said.) Note to self: I love Diana, but when she is concerned it's always a date. (Her on a date and me all alone and stuff.)
I may have had a minor freak out about this situation. (And by minor I mean I cried in the cold at 2 AM and refused to return to my apartment).
Honestly why? Why freak out about this. I know I am emotional and I know I cry, but sometimes crying only gets you so far. At some point I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and get over it. Crying isn't going to get my mission papers done, and crying isn't going to study for me and crying isn't going to make guys like me. In fact it's the opposite. It's a waste of time.
Now don't get me wrong. I know that there are times when every girl needs to watch an improperly categorized netflix movie and have a good cry. But seriously I tear up when people talk about puppies. It's a problem. And most of the time it's self-pity, which is the worst kind of pity because it's selfish.
So seriously what to do? Wear my heart on my sleeve, or make like the abominable snowman and be cold?
W.H. Arden said,
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Pixie dust, fairy tales and T-Swift songs are cute when you are 8 years-old but there is a point where dreams either become goals or they go to the place where all abandoned dreams go (probably the same place where missing left socks go... why is it that only 1 of them gets lost. It kills me!) But I digress.
Come on Bruno, be a man. Be tough. Or don't?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Competition... take 2
I know I know, I already titled one of my posts "Competition". But this time it's different because I am officially half-way (aka ALMOST DONE) with Econ 110. (And although I know this is completely false) I would consider my self a budding economist with some idea of what "competition" is.
Competition drives the market, NOT TRADITION! (in case you were wondering)
If this is the case, then why OH WHY am I unwilling to change and grow and break tradition? I am crazy competitive, just ask the girls I live with. But on second thought, don't ask them because I don't even think they realize that I am. I honestly feel like I am always in a COMPETITION (competition) with them. They have gone on more dates then me, they look cuter in that skirt, they are smarter.
Why do I do this to myself? This isn't Fiddler on the Roof. I'm not in a movie. I'm not a Jewish man named Tevye. For Heaven's Sakes! I am me.
I am small, but I am fierce. From now on that is my mantra because I am sick of telling myself that I'm awkward and that I'm going to die alone (even if I'm joking). I hurt my own feelings. How is that even possible? One thing is for sure, this girl is doing it. What the "it" is I haven't quite thought all the way through, but the possiblities are endless, right? And failure is not an option.
Plan. and execute.
Competition drives the market, NOT TRADITION! (in case you were wondering)
If this is the case, then why OH WHY am I unwilling to change and grow and break tradition? I am crazy competitive, just ask the girls I live with. But on second thought, don't ask them because I don't even think they realize that I am. I honestly feel like I am always in a COMPETITION (competition) with them. They have gone on more dates then me, they look cuter in that skirt, they are smarter.
Why do I do this to myself? This isn't Fiddler on the Roof. I'm not in a movie. I'm not a Jewish man named Tevye. For Heaven's Sakes! I am me.
I am small, but I am fierce. From now on that is my mantra because I am sick of telling myself that I'm awkward and that I'm going to die alone (even if I'm joking). I hurt my own feelings. How is that even possible? One thing is for sure, this girl is doing it. What the "it" is I haven't quite thought all the way through, but the possiblities are endless, right? And failure is not an option.
Plan. and execute.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Do You Think that Heavenly Father Cares How Great of a Mechanical Engineer You Are?
Today was hard for me because it was fast Sunday. I forgot to start the day with a prayer to fast so I did it while I was waiting for my bishop interview outside the bishops office. I prayed to know if going on a mission was the right thing to do. I really feel like it is, but I still need that burning in my heart.
My bishop thought so too. He told me that I shouldn't be going because I feel pressure from my family, or because I want to see new places or because I wasn't having luck with boys.
He told me that I should go because I truly want to serve the Lord and help people.
I really do want to help people. I just feel like most of the time, I have no idea how.
Is making cookies to bring over really that important when you forgot to even read the lesson, and when aren't even good enough friends with your companion (who you live with) to tell her that you want to go next week? It's not good enough. I need to get passed the shallow, I'm too scared to actually help you so I will just send you over something that I think is nice but that I didn't have to try to get to know you doing. (if that even makes sense)
Nothing I say anymore makes any sense to me.
I've been having a really hard time breathing lately and not because of the altitude.
I think it's because I'm realizing the things that I know are built on a weak foundation. I don't know if you know the song, but that guy's house falls down.
I need to actually be better and smarter and more spiritual. But I don't know how. Am I really trying as hard as I think I am, or am I making that up in my head?
In fast and testimony meeting today a guy was reflecting on his life and how he wasn't the best mechanical engineer but then asked if Heavenly Father really cares about how great he is at it. That is incredible to think about. Does Heavenly Father care about economics? If I care, he cares. But not in the same way. Is economics going to matter in Heaven? Probably not. But getting an education does matter. I need to start thinking, if I'm learning, I'm growing. And have not confidence, but courage, in my self
I need help.
I need to pray more.
My bishop thought so too. He told me that I shouldn't be going because I feel pressure from my family, or because I want to see new places or because I wasn't having luck with boys.
He told me that I should go because I truly want to serve the Lord and help people.
I really do want to help people. I just feel like most of the time, I have no idea how.
Is making cookies to bring over really that important when you forgot to even read the lesson, and when aren't even good enough friends with your companion (who you live with) to tell her that you want to go next week? It's not good enough. I need to get passed the shallow, I'm too scared to actually help you so I will just send you over something that I think is nice but that I didn't have to try to get to know you doing. (if that even makes sense)
Nothing I say anymore makes any sense to me.
I've been having a really hard time breathing lately and not because of the altitude.
I think it's because I'm realizing the things that I know are built on a weak foundation. I don't know if you know the song, but that guy's house falls down.
I need to actually be better and smarter and more spiritual. But I don't know how. Am I really trying as hard as I think I am, or am I making that up in my head?
In fast and testimony meeting today a guy was reflecting on his life and how he wasn't the best mechanical engineer but then asked if Heavenly Father really cares about how great he is at it. That is incredible to think about. Does Heavenly Father care about economics? If I care, he cares. But not in the same way. Is economics going to matter in Heaven? Probably not. But getting an education does matter. I need to start thinking, if I'm learning, I'm growing. And have not confidence, but courage, in my self
I need help.
I need to pray more.
Monday, October 8, 2012
My Cup Runneth Over
This says I'm going on a mission. ASAP.
I can't take my mind off of it.
Am I ready? Does the Lord want me? This is madness.
What I thought would be a two year wait has turned into 1 week. Less than 1 week. 6 days and 10 hours and 15 minutes until my bishop interview where I can start to do my mission papers.
I want to leave like yesterday. After sending all those guys off on their missions last year, I can't believe it is finally my turn.
My family has been so supportive of this. Literally during this talk I got text messages telling me to turn in my papers. As much as I love them and am so extremely grateful for their support, this one's on me.
Something that seemed so distant is now so close, and I'm running to it. I know this is right and I wanted to document this feeling so that when I am doubting myself I can go back and read it and know that my first witness was so sure, that any feeling of doubt is fear speaking.
Fears like:
1. My bffs are going to be married before I get home (Especially in this world filled with Scott Disick look alikes and dinosaur-enthusiast TAs)
2. My sisters will get married while I'm gone
3. MY MATURITY LEVEL (Please tell me I'm ready to go)
4. Finances (let's face it, mine are kind of a hot mess right now)
I'm no longer making sense, but I just can't stop thinking about all this means.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Validation v. Expiration
I got a 92.5% on my Art History class. I am freaking out.
Trust me when I say I am not bragging. I PROMISE. I'm not. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me remember all that I studied. I have seen his hand so often in my life lately.
When will the trials start? When will my "good luck end?" That's just the thing. With the Lord's help, it will never end. I got the worst grade I have ever gotten on a test this week. Seriously economics is of the devil. Literally. I think I recall a certain scripture like maybe Jacob 2 something "Before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God..." I'm just kidding about it being of the Devil. I'm just really frustrated, but right before I had the chance to feel like my good fortune was "expired" the Lord gave me a wonderful gift this weekend. (Seriously just in the nick of time, there was a definite O.D. of coldstone and chocolate)
The Lord, through modern day revelation made it possible for me to serve a mission at age 19. I'm freaking out, but NOT panicking. And this is HUGE for me because I panic about everything. I feel so right about this. IT'S SO THE OPPOSITE OF MY ECON TEST. Unlike that terrible, terrible test, all the answers seem to be falling into place. Thank you Heavenly Father. Thanks so much for this blessing. My only hope is that I can go as soon as possible and serve the Lord and my fellow men. I'm so excited.
I have an appointment with the bishop for next sunday at 11:45. AHHHHH!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
It's Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life
The series of events of this day were preposterous.
I woke up at 8:40 AM, which is normally a wonderful time of the day-- the sun shines, the birds chirp. But you don't have time to hear them if you are running to the 9AM class that you are late for.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
I also learned that BYU should have these signs
as to avoid students tripping (and landing completely flat on their face) on uneven ground when they are running with their backpacks on to the 9 AM class that they are late for. Seriously.
I wish I could say that I could see clearly now the rain was gone, and that it was going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day. But then my life would be easy and we all know I like a challenge.
I read the chapter the night before D&C. I had a quiz in D&C. I fail a quiz in D&C. Confused? Me too.
All but 5 printers on campus were broken today. It's times like that where I wonder if I'm Jim Carrey and the BYU bubble is just a town that television producers made to follow me around and film my life. If that's the case, y'all have a distorted view on entertainment.
All in all, today was pretty terrible but that's the way the cookie crumbles (another Jim Carrey reference) and I keep on rolling (in the deep).
(which almost makes this day worth it)
I woke up at 8:40 AM, which is normally a wonderful time of the day-- the sun shines, the birds chirp. But you don't have time to hear them if you are running to the 9AM class that you are late for.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
I also learned that BYU should have these signs
as to avoid students tripping (and landing completely flat on their face) on uneven ground when they are running with their backpacks on to the 9 AM class that they are late for. Seriously.
I wish I could say that I could see clearly now the rain was gone, and that it was going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day. But then my life would be easy and we all know I like a challenge.
I read the chapter the night before D&C. I had a quiz in D&C. I fail a quiz in D&C. Confused? Me too.
All but 5 printers on campus were broken today. It's times like that where I wonder if I'm Jim Carrey and the BYU bubble is just a town that television producers made to follow me around and film my life. If that's the case, y'all have a distorted view on entertainment.
All in all, today was pretty terrible but that's the way the cookie crumbles (another Jim Carrey reference) and I keep on rolling (in the deep).
(which almost makes this day worth it)
I think therefore I am
Everything is stressful for me right now. My classes, my social life, my spirituality (or rather lack thereof). Why is balance so hard? Why is homeostasis such an important part of our lives? Why am I having such a hard time finding it?
I feel like I'm not good enough. I hate that feeling. I want to punch that feeling in the face.
My sister says that this time of my life is the time that I am going to feel that way. I'm going to feel like I'm not good enough and like God doesn't love me. She said that the only way she got over it was by going on her mission.
I hate waiting.
I know I'm not being coherent, but this is literally the sequence of events that is going on in my mind.
I think I can do this. I don't know if I can, but maybe by thinking that I can, I just will.
Let's hope
I feel like I'm not good enough. I hate that feeling. I want to punch that feeling in the face.
My sister says that this time of my life is the time that I am going to feel that way. I'm going to feel like I'm not good enough and like God doesn't love me. She said that the only way she got over it was by going on her mission.
I hate waiting.
I know I'm not being coherent, but this is literally the sequence of events that is going on in my mind.
I think I can do this. I don't know if I can, but maybe by thinking that I can, I just will.
Let's hope
Monday, September 10, 2012
Competition
It brings out the worst/best in people.
Have you ever wondered why some people thrive and some people crack under the pressure of competition?
I crack easier than an uncooked Easter egg that someone is carrying around on a spoon conveniently placed inside their mouth. It's bad.
And yet when things come easily to me, I question why that is.
I hate competing for grades. I hate competing for attention. Most of all I hate competing for dryers when my clothes are sopping wet and just want to be dry but can't dry because the girl that had her clothes in before decided that she needed to do another load so she put her stuff in the dryer that you thought was going to be free but isn't because she had to wash her undies! I really hate that.
Darwin was wrong. Why can't our best be enough? Or better yet why can't we all just bake a cake full of rainbows and unicorns (yes that was a reference to Mean Girl, no I won't use anymore)?
In a world that's so full of mine, I wish there was a little more we. None for Gretchen Wieners (last one I promise).
and yet... I'm probably the most guilty of thinking about myself.
OHHH the irony!!!
Have you ever wondered why some people thrive and some people crack under the pressure of competition?
I crack easier than an uncooked Easter egg that someone is carrying around on a spoon conveniently placed inside their mouth. It's bad.
And yet when things come easily to me, I question why that is.
I hate competing for grades. I hate competing for attention. Most of all I hate competing for dryers when my clothes are sopping wet and just want to be dry but can't dry because the girl that had her clothes in before decided that she needed to do another load so she put her stuff in the dryer that you thought was going to be free but isn't because she had to wash her undies! I really hate that.
Darwin was wrong. Why can't our best be enough? Or better yet why can't we all just bake a cake full of rainbows and unicorns (yes that was a reference to Mean Girl, no I won't use anymore)?
In a world that's so full of mine, I wish there was a little more we. None for Gretchen Wieners (last one I promise).
and yet... I'm probably the most guilty of thinking about myself.
OHHH the irony!!!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Labor on Labor Day
Ironically enough, this labor day, I went to work.
Not literally work, because it was labor day and I'm pretty sure there is a law against that or something...
But I did HOME-work.
That sounds really lame. No I did not hike the many mountains in Utah this Labor Day (although there were definite plans) or hang out on the lake, but I sat outside in the grass, on carpet (LOOOOOng story) and did homework. It was relaxing.
I didn't think about how weird I probably seem to the girls living next door to us that hear our shouting and dancing and painting (Oh yeah, we painted a shopping cart this weekend), and I didn't worry about the boys (and girls!) in my ward that are RETURNED MISSIONARIES and really intimidating to talk to, and I didn't worry about what I was going to eat for dinner that night (well maybe I worried about that one a little), but in that hour and a half that I was sitting in the sun on a carpet, in the grass outside my apartment, I worried about just one thing.
That's what I love about homework (how many people can say that?!?!) I love that for just a little while you worry about 1 class, 1 teacher, 1 assignment. And then your done, onto the next thing.
There is something almost therapeutic about that. Only 1 care in the world... that and the fact that you get to color coat, and anyone who knows me knows that I love me a 5 pack of highlighters (one for every class)
Not literally work, because it was labor day and I'm pretty sure there is a law against that or something...
But I did HOME-work.
That sounds really lame. No I did not hike the many mountains in Utah this Labor Day (although there were definite plans) or hang out on the lake, but I sat outside in the grass, on carpet (LOOOOOng story) and did homework. It was relaxing.
I didn't think about how weird I probably seem to the girls living next door to us that hear our shouting and dancing and painting (Oh yeah, we painted a shopping cart this weekend), and I didn't worry about the boys (and girls!) in my ward that are RETURNED MISSIONARIES and really intimidating to talk to, and I didn't worry about what I was going to eat for dinner that night (well maybe I worried about that one a little), but in that hour and a half that I was sitting in the sun on a carpet, in the grass outside my apartment, I worried about just one thing.
That's what I love about homework (how many people can say that?!?!) I love that for just a little while you worry about 1 class, 1 teacher, 1 assignment. And then your done, onto the next thing.
There is something almost therapeutic about that. Only 1 care in the world... that and the fact that you get to color coat, and anyone who knows me knows that I love me a 5 pack of highlighters (one for every class)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Keep Your Heels and Your Standards High
(Yes, I did make that comment in relief society today).
This weekend has been a first of many:
The first time living in an apartment without supervision. (No parents, no RA's, no one to take care of me!)
The first time, in a long time, that I got to hang out with long-lost friends from Cali,
The first time buying pots and pans, dishes, glasses, hangers, food ALL BY MYSELF,
The first time in the Provo YSA 199th ward of the 14th stake (I can't believe the numbers go that high!)
It's so strange to be back in Provo. I feel like I've been thrown into a feeding frenzy. There are so many people and books and classes, I feel overwhelmed. Luckily this feeding frenzy has a silver lining. The gospel. I can't imagine my week without it. I really wouldn't have made it through.
Church was insane. I know a total of 8 people after, 3 of which are my roommates. We talked about marriage in relief society (I'm freaking out!) Is marriage really attainable? Is a mission really that close to my future? I don't know. But one thing is for sure.
I'm taking a deep breath and diving into the unknown. Wish me luck!
This weekend has been a first of many:
The first time living in an apartment without supervision. (No parents, no RA's, no one to take care of me!)
The first time, in a long time, that I got to hang out with long-lost friends from Cali,
The first time buying pots and pans, dishes, glasses, hangers, food ALL BY MYSELF,
The first time in the Provo YSA 199th ward of the 14th stake (I can't believe the numbers go that high!)
It's so strange to be back in Provo. I feel like I've been thrown into a feeding frenzy. There are so many people and books and classes, I feel overwhelmed. Luckily this feeding frenzy has a silver lining. The gospel. I can't imagine my week without it. I really wouldn't have made it through.
Church was insane. I know a total of 8 people after, 3 of which are my roommates. We talked about marriage in relief society (I'm freaking out!) Is marriage really attainable? Is a mission really that close to my future? I don't know. But one thing is for sure.
I'm taking a deep breath and diving into the unknown. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 30, 2012
wrong wrong wrong.
Sometimes everything just feels wrong.
Like when you go to work and everything you say is just wrong.
You are suppose to be in the water for 1 more hour and it thunders. Wrong.
You only eat fast food the entire day. So wrong.
Everyone thinks that I work so hard, but it's times like these that I really question my character as a person. Am I really doing everything I could be doing as a sister, a daughter and a friend? Am I a Christ-like individual? Right now the answer feels wrong. It feels like a big fat no.
So what can I do?
I guess the only real answer is to read my scriptures (which I don't do nearly enough), say a prayer, and go to bed. Then I guess I'll try to make tomorrow a day that feels right. I day where I take chances and fulfill my destiny.
Whatever that is.
God put me here for a reason and as much as I don't want to disappoint my friends, family, or even myself, his opinion is the only one that matters. Now if only I could write that down on a piece of paper and staple it to my head so I don't forget it!
Like when you go to work and everything you say is just wrong.
You are suppose to be in the water for 1 more hour and it thunders. Wrong.
You only eat fast food the entire day. So wrong.
Everyone thinks that I work so hard, but it's times like these that I really question my character as a person. Am I really doing everything I could be doing as a sister, a daughter and a friend? Am I a Christ-like individual? Right now the answer feels wrong. It feels like a big fat no.
So what can I do?
I guess the only real answer is to read my scriptures (which I don't do nearly enough), say a prayer, and go to bed. Then I guess I'll try to make tomorrow a day that feels right. I day where I take chances and fulfill my destiny.
Whatever that is.
God put me here for a reason and as much as I don't want to disappoint my friends, family, or even myself, his opinion is the only one that matters. Now if only I could write that down on a piece of paper and staple it to my head so I don't forget it!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Mission: Possible
Today, we hiked. By we I mean Gen, Nikki, Chiara, Asher, Desi and Me.
By hiked I mean walked along a dike on a scenic route for about a mile while shedding our body weight in sweat. It was literally a hot mess. But probably one of the funnest things I've done all summer.
Desi and I, being the adventurous souls that we are bought wolf shirts, hiking boots and brand new water bottles and set out. We stopped by Gen's house to pick something up and wound up convincing them to come along. Let's just say we weren't as prepared as we should have been. There was some walking along a road, a small case of dehydration, and a big case of confusion. But it was fun! And we formed an official wolf pack which includes shirts and friendship bracelets, so I guess there really is always a bright side.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me.
Every time I write a letter to a missionary, I hold my breath.
Moments like that take me back to middle school when I would look around the room for a partner and think to myself, I really thought I had friends. Or maybe that was just me? I seriously start to question the validity of our friendship. I start to ask questions like, whenever in my life have I annoyed this person? Are they still annoyed at this one isolated event that may have caused them annoyance? Am I distracting them? Do they have a stamp to write me back?
I do it as some sort of weird coping mechanism trying to convince myself not to send the letters. That was until I talked to one of my sisters (a returned missionary) who told me that none of the things that I am worrying about even matter. In the end, what the letter said doesn't even matter. What matters is that I care enough to write the letters. She told me that I may regret not caring enough, but I will never regret caring too much.
She is so right. It reminds me of the W H Auden poem "If equal affections cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." Speaking as a girl who has a really hard time sharing her emotions, (except in quick, random bursts usually involving midol and chocolate) I really need to implement these words in my lifestyle. ASAP.
Plus these boys are my friends and I love them and miss them and only want the best for them, so I hope that I am doing no harm by sending these letters because really they are helping me out by writing back. Every letter I get strengthens my testimony because there faith is translated so clearly in their letters. It is contagious.
Today was different though because today was a fairytale. I got a letter from the missionary. The missionary that I compare all other boys to. He tells me that I can fight (metaphorical) Laminates and win, and that he admires how hard I work in school and all aspects of my life and he makes me believe that everything I do is important while still making me laugh.
All this DOES NOT mean that I'm waiting for him, and he is my eternal companion and just doesn't know it yet.
I wish!
No but really, I'm just glad that guys like him exist because I would be happy to end up with someone half as spiritually minded and able to share, so easily, the gospel that he knows and loves.
By hiked I mean walked along a dike on a scenic route for about a mile while shedding our body weight in sweat. It was literally a hot mess. But probably one of the funnest things I've done all summer.
Desi and I, being the adventurous souls that we are bought wolf shirts, hiking boots and brand new water bottles and set out. We stopped by Gen's house to pick something up and wound up convincing them to come along. Let's just say we weren't as prepared as we should have been. There was some walking along a road, a small case of dehydration, and a big case of confusion. But it was fun! And we formed an official wolf pack which includes shirts and friendship bracelets, so I guess there really is always a bright side.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me.
Every time I write a letter to a missionary, I hold my breath.
Moments like that take me back to middle school when I would look around the room for a partner and think to myself, I really thought I had friends. Or maybe that was just me? I seriously start to question the validity of our friendship. I start to ask questions like, whenever in my life have I annoyed this person? Are they still annoyed at this one isolated event that may have caused them annoyance? Am I distracting them? Do they have a stamp to write me back?
I do it as some sort of weird coping mechanism trying to convince myself not to send the letters. That was until I talked to one of my sisters (a returned missionary) who told me that none of the things that I am worrying about even matter. In the end, what the letter said doesn't even matter. What matters is that I care enough to write the letters. She told me that I may regret not caring enough, but I will never regret caring too much.
She is so right. It reminds me of the W H Auden poem "If equal affections cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." Speaking as a girl who has a really hard time sharing her emotions, (except in quick, random bursts usually involving midol and chocolate) I really need to implement these words in my lifestyle. ASAP.
Plus these boys are my friends and I love them and miss them and only want the best for them, so I hope that I am doing no harm by sending these letters because really they are helping me out by writing back. Every letter I get strengthens my testimony because there faith is translated so clearly in their letters. It is contagious.
Today was different though because today was a fairytale. I got a letter from the missionary. The missionary that I compare all other boys to. He tells me that I can fight (metaphorical) Laminates and win, and that he admires how hard I work in school and all aspects of my life and he makes me believe that everything I do is important while still making me laugh.
All this DOES NOT mean that I'm waiting for him, and he is my eternal companion and just doesn't know it yet.
I wish!
No but really, I'm just glad that guys like him exist because I would be happy to end up with someone half as spiritually minded and able to share, so easily, the gospel that he knows and loves.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The Road to Jericho is Lined with Thieves
I went to an amazing fireside today. I can't put my finger on what exactly was so great about it, but it's like they knew exactly what I needed to hear and spoke right to my heart.
The speakers were the band "Jericho Road". Not only was the music uplifting but their testimonies were so... I don't even know what other word to use... but inspired.
One of the men spoke about a marathon that he ran with his wife. The wife was clearly a better athlete, but he decided to participate to raise money and spend time with his wife. While he was running he had the worst shooting pain in his leg and he wasn't sure if he would finish. When he did cross the finish line a women came up to him and shared that if He could finish then she knew she could. He told us that this should be an example to us that no matter what you are doing or who it is that you are effecting, you can change someone's life.
WOAH. Me? That struck a nerve. I feel really small sometimes. And not just because I'm 5'1.
Because I feel like no one listens. Or really even cares. That message was for me because someone is watching me.
I just don't know who.
But I'm ready to go out and do. I'm not really sure what. BUT SOMETHING! Anything that makes a difference. Because if you aren't changing for the better than what are you doing?
I don't have a plan but I have the plan so I'll go and do. Just like Nephi.
Thanks for the wake up call Jericho Road. iTunes just made $9.99
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
What the...
I deleted my other blog. And don't know how or where or when. It's just g-o-n-e. Oops
So in true fashion, I created another one. By the end of my life I am going to have about 30 blogs and so much useless crap on the internet that people will know more about me than I do about myself. All because I don't know how to work a computer. Awesome.
Quick update on me. I got into my first car accident today. No bueno. My sister was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. It was really lame too. All Desi was doing was backing up in the neighborhood. No cool story here. Just $1,000 worth of damage for backing up. Hot mess. Luckily we are both okay and the car isn't totaled. The worst part is that is was the new car. Why couldn't it have been the crappy car that we have had for a million years? Why did it have to be the new one? Oh well. YOLO.
The life diet is going pretty well. If you don't know what my life diet is, it's because I explained it on the other blog that I misplaced (seriously I have no idea where the crap this blog went and it's really bothering me). Today's theme was fiber. I got a bunch of it. I went to the gym too. Which I never do, so I feel really accomplished.
Other than the whole crushing the back of my dad's new car it was a pretty okay day. I really hope Desi doesn't have to pay too much for it because she is doing so well saving for her mission. This really stinks. I feel like it was Satan trying to stop a soldier in the army of Heleman. He won't succeed. She's way to strong for his sorry behind.
On a lighter note I found out just how nosy my neighbors are today when count them (1, 2) 3 people came out trying to figure out how the accident happened. Geez louis people! Mind your own business. In their defense I would have done the same thing, but from my bedroom window. So kudos to them for having the kahuna's to get their butts off the couch and turn off Law and Order reruns just to snoop. Well played Ashborough residents, well played.
So in true fashion, I created another one. By the end of my life I am going to have about 30 blogs and so much useless crap on the internet that people will know more about me than I do about myself. All because I don't know how to work a computer. Awesome.
Quick update on me. I got into my first car accident today. No bueno. My sister was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. It was really lame too. All Desi was doing was backing up in the neighborhood. No cool story here. Just $1,000 worth of damage for backing up. Hot mess. Luckily we are both okay and the car isn't totaled. The worst part is that is was the new car. Why couldn't it have been the crappy car that we have had for a million years? Why did it have to be the new one? Oh well. YOLO.
The life diet is going pretty well. If you don't know what my life diet is, it's because I explained it on the other blog that I misplaced (seriously I have no idea where the crap this blog went and it's really bothering me). Today's theme was fiber. I got a bunch of it. I went to the gym too. Which I never do, so I feel really accomplished.
Other than the whole crushing the back of my dad's new car it was a pretty okay day. I really hope Desi doesn't have to pay too much for it because she is doing so well saving for her mission. This really stinks. I feel like it was Satan trying to stop a soldier in the army of Heleman. He won't succeed. She's way to strong for his sorry behind.
On a lighter note I found out just how nosy my neighbors are today when count them (1, 2) 3 people came out trying to figure out how the accident happened. Geez louis people! Mind your own business. In their defense I would have done the same thing, but from my bedroom window. So kudos to them for having the kahuna's to get their butts off the couch and turn off Law and Order reruns just to snoop. Well played Ashborough residents, well played.
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