It's only a Blink from Diapers to Depends.

Sometimes I wonder about my life. (That's what happens when your cooky Art History professor assigns you an assignment on "spirituality") What if I got some kind of weird cancer that exploded like a comet in my chest and and went from my heart to the tip of my big toe then shot like a meteor through my arms and my head? What if I walked outside one day only to be hit my a flying toilet seat for a nearby space aircraft taking it's final descent into the atmosphere? What if one day, I just didn't wake up? I've heard once that you only die when the youngest person you know says your name for the last time. That made me think...who is the youngest person I know? Are they friend? Foe? Both? How do they feel when they think about me? I'm a huge believer that you can say something to someone and in 20 years that person won't remember a single word that you spoke, they might not even remember what your voice sounded like. That person will, however, remember the feeling that you gave them. Am I "giving off good vibrations"? That's a dumb question. But still. How are you suppose to know that? There could be someone out there with a voodoo doll of me saying how much they hate my G-U-T-S. And I probably wouldn't even be able to tell you why.

I need to make a list. And after I make that list, I need goals. I don't want to coast through life anymore, one netflix movie after another. Did you know that there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour? There are 24 hours in 1 day. 365 days in 1 year. I've been alive for 19 years. I have been alive for 599184000 seconds (Give or take a few months in seconds). I hope somewhere between all of those seconds, I have taken the time to help other people with their seconds. If I have helped even just 1 person, the value of my life has been increased exponentially. I hope I took more of those seconds pondering and praying and studying the gospel than I did worrying about what my hair looked like that day and caring what other people thought my hair looked like that day. I hope in all those seconds that I had/have/will have that I'll love my family more and worldly things a little less.

Qu'est-ce que vous ferrez si nous mourions demain?

I hope that I take all those seconds to love myself and my God a little more. I don't think that I give the one person who gave me everything enough credit. So thank you. Words cannot express all you have given me and all you will give to me. So I won't even try.

Adios feminists...

Today was the day. The bane of my existence, the explanation for all the long nights at the library,  the reason for my sparse blog entries. Today was THE DAY of my second ECONOMICS midterm... no bueno.




It was also the first day I've ever been walked home. I'm not saying I'm in love with the boy because let's face it Greg and I just didn't "zing," but now I know what it feels for someone to "not want me to walk home alone in the dark." As much as I love my 15 minute walk home from the library at 11:45 pm each night (not knowing if I will be raped, or brutally murdered) I have to say, it was nice not to be alone. So I'm not saying that I am completely giving up on my feminist notions that "I am a strong independent women that doesn't need a man to validate me," but I am definitely rethinking some things.
In true Bruno fashion, I accidentally made the boy walk 3 blocks out of his way, but he seemed okay with it. And for good measure, I went home and put on my 50 cat lady shirt, and went to get snacks at 10 pm. Classic. (ALMOST sister missionary for the win!)

I think the best part about this situation is that good ol' Greg doesn't even know that he brightened my day. It wasn't romantic---all we did was talk about school---- It wasn't elaborate. It wasn't even that awkward (and this is me we are talking about).

So thanks Greg for the simplest walk home that shouldn't mean this much... but it means a lot. I guess "I'll be seeing you."

Am I living in a Taylor Swift song? and other baby mama obama drama

Okay so maybe my situation isn't exactly like Taylor Swift's but still. "You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me" has never made more sense to me then it does right now.

No I'm not stuck in an off and on relationship that is "just exhausting." I'm one of the friends. T-Swift should write a song about that... oh wait. She has. (cause she's a genius!)

It serves me right for trying to have friends.

I think cat ladies have the right idea. Cats don't ask you what is going on with your roommate and the guy she as been on 2 DATES with. Cats don't trick you into feeding them details about said roommate. I don't even like cats!!!

The only bright side to this situation is that I got to do what I do best. Recover information. (I swear I'm not a gossip, but I love knowledge!) As confusing as boys are, they are also really simple. If you tell them what they consider to be "a secret" they will spill there guts. It doesn't even have to be a secret. You could tell them that you ate broccoli for dinner last night and they will think they know everything about you. Simple. You just have to be careful of oversharing. Which I do. Or offending people. Which I also do. (#noshame)

It's funny how knowing silly things about people makes you feel like you know a little more about their souls, even if you have to tell them about the awkward dating life of your roommate.

In other news, Halloween was pretty fun. I dressed up like a nerd. It wasn't so much dressing up, as it was being in the library all night. once again #noshame.

Conversation

It was definitely an enlightening weekend.

What I learned:

• Boys really hate zombies, and when you cover their apartment in streamers... unless they are the ones helping you, then they really like it.

• Don't have pumpkin carving parties because no one will come, or just don't have pumpkins at all because they get stolen from unknown assailants.

• Be careful who you trust.
• Trust Heavenly Father

• Don't forget to pray

(weird combination of material...some would even say eclectic---insert eyebrow raise for using a fancy word here)

Not to get all churchy on y'all, but it was a really good Sabbath day. It was ward conference today and the topic was conversion. --Alma 37:37
For some reason it hit me really hard. I don't pray enough. One of the speakers started relaying the song "If the Savior stood Beside me" and how we should live like he is always beside us. But all I kept think was. Man, what if we have nothing to talk about. What if it is one of those awkward moments were no one is talking so then I just start saying random off the wall crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. (Is this sacreligious?) I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but honestly I don't share enough with them. It wasn't until Sunday that I realized, I'm not praying because they need to know what is going on in my life because they know everything. God is Omniscient for goodness sakes! I'm praying to them for me. It's like the hymn, "Where Can I turn for Peace" I can turn to Heavenly Father, that's where. I can't do everything. I'm not Martha.

It was also a great day because we had a Vocal Point fireside. Those guys are seriously the best. They are like the city of Enoch. They should all get an automatic pass straight to Heaven. Any guy who prays for the safety of his future wife when he is 16 years old has serious general authority potential.
Another one talked about how chocolate is not the same as peanut butter. No matter how much peanut butter we eat and how much we want it to be chocolate. It never will be. So we need to look out for substitutes because they are never going to replace the real thing. Last thing (I promise) they asked us to think about what you would do if you knew you would never see someone again. What would you say? I really hope that this never happens.

it just got me thinking.

Time to Put on my Big Girl Pants.

Seriously half the time what am I thinking? Maybe I'm not thinking. Maybe that is my problem. I don't think. Like this weekend, I clearly wasn't thinking when I blew of my real friend to hang out with people in my ward. That is what not thinking looks like.

You know what not thinking gets you? It gets you a 7th wheel on a triple date is what. (Go stargazing they said, it's not a date they said.) Note to self: I love Diana, but when she is concerned it's always a date. (Her on a date and me all alone and stuff.)

I may have had a minor freak out about this situation. (And by minor I mean I cried in the cold at 2 AM and refused to return to my apartment).

Honestly why? Why freak out about this. I know I am emotional and I know I cry, but sometimes crying only gets you so far. At some point I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and get over it. Crying isn't going to get my mission papers done, and crying isn't going to study for me and crying isn't going to make guys like me. In fact it's the opposite. It's a waste of time.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that there are times when every girl needs to watch an improperly categorized netflix movie and have a good cry. But seriously I tear up when people talk about puppies. It's a problem. And most of the time it's self-pity, which is the worst kind of pity because it's selfish.

So seriously what to do? Wear my heart on my sleeve, or make like the abominable snowman and be cold?


W.H. Arden said,

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

I'm not even applying this to my love life, because I don't have or want one (BUMP that I'm going on a mission!) But I'm talking with all of my relationships. I'm so needy. I want to be the person giving the advice, not the one demanding it. I need to grow up.

Pixie dust, fairy tales and T-Swift songs are cute when you are 8 years-old but there is a point where dreams either become goals or they go to the place where all abandoned dreams go (probably the same place where missing left socks go... why is it that only 1 of them gets lost. It kills me!) But I digress.

 Come on Bruno, be a man. Be tough. Or don't?

Competition... take 2

I know I know, I already titled one of my posts "Competition". But this time it's different because I am officially half-way (aka ALMOST DONE) with Econ 110. (And although I know this is completely false) I would consider my self a budding economist with some idea of what "competition" is.

Competition drives the market, NOT TRADITION! (in case you were wondering)

If this is the case, then why OH WHY am I unwilling to change and grow and break tradition? I am crazy competitive, just ask the girls I live with. But on second thought, don't ask them because I don't even think they realize that I am. I honestly feel like I am always in a COMPETITION (competition) with them. They have gone on more dates then me, they look cuter in that skirt, they are smarter.

Why do I do this to myself? This isn't Fiddler on the Roof. I'm not in a movie. I'm not a Jewish man named Tevye. For Heaven's Sakes! I am me.
 I am small, but I am fierce. From now on that is my mantra because I am sick of telling myself that I'm awkward and that I'm going to die alone (even if I'm joking). I hurt my own feelings. How is that even possible?  One thing is for sure, this girl is doing it. What the "it" is I haven't quite thought all the way through, but the possiblities are endless, right? And failure is not an option.

Plan. and execute.

Do You Think that Heavenly Father Cares How Great of a Mechanical Engineer You Are?

Today was hard for me because it was fast Sunday. I forgot to start the day with a prayer to fast so I did it while I was waiting for my bishop interview outside the bishops office. I prayed to know if going on a mission was the right thing to do. I really feel like it is, but I still need that burning in my heart.

My bishop thought so too. He told me that I shouldn't be going because I feel pressure from my family, or because I want to see new places or because I wasn't having luck with boys.

He told me that I should go because I truly want to serve the Lord and help people.

I really do want to help people. I just feel like most of the time, I have no idea how.

Is making cookies to bring over really that important when you forgot to even read the lesson, and when aren't even good enough friends with your companion (who you live with) to tell her that you want to go next week? It's not good enough. I need to get passed the shallow, I'm too scared to actually help you so I will just send you over something that I think is nice but that I didn't have to try to get to know you doing. (if that even makes sense)

Nothing I say anymore makes any sense to me.

I've been having a really hard time breathing lately and not because of the altitude.

I think it's because I'm realizing the things that I know are built on a weak foundation. I don't know if you know the song, but that guy's house falls down.

I need to actually be better and smarter and more spiritual. But I don't know how. Am I really trying as hard as I think I am, or am I making that up in my head?

In fast and testimony meeting today a guy was reflecting on his life and how he wasn't the best mechanical engineer but then asked if Heavenly Father really cares about how great he is at it. That is incredible to think about. Does Heavenly Father care about economics? If I care, he cares. But not in the same way. Is economics going to matter in Heaven? Probably not. But getting an education does matter. I need to start thinking, if I'm learning, I'm growing. And have not confidence, but courage, in my self

I need help.
I need to pray more.