The Joys of Womanhood, no, not that

So I was thinking about what it means to be a woman. This quote popped into my head:

“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”

It's okay to be tender and it's okay to be pure.

That's all.

Find Joy in the Journey--now

High School was not the highlight of my life... most of you can probably relate. You give me a cheerleader or captain of the football team, or student body president and I will give you a self-conscious, poorly dressed member of the band (I played oboe) with braces and greasy hair. I'm pretty sure that my entire sophomore year I didn't utter a single word because I was the new girl and let's face it, kids are mean (it didn't help that I had braces until I was 17 either). Don't get me wrong, I didn't get picked on much. For the most part I think I just annoyed people because I stressed out about school SO much, either that or people just didn't know I existed. (I kid you not, on my graduation day, in a class of 300 kids a boy that I had 4 classes with throughout high school asked if I had graduated early.) I'm not sure which is worse. Needless to say, I wouldn't wish high school on my worst enemy. But hey, I loved to learn. I think I am one of the only people on the planet who preferred to go to the library during lunch, and not to read, but to do my homework! It didn't hurt that I made good grades either. In fact, that encouraged me. And the friends that I had were smart too.

There was this one friend---Kaitlyn. We a lot in common. We played the same instrument and both went to region band, we rode the same bus, we were driven, as far as class ranks went, she was 2 and I was 3. And in a lot of ways that killed me. I found her annoying and rude and gosh she was just such a know-it-all. But she was real, and in high school that is hard to do. She was seriously the most, true to herself person that I think I have ever met. And she worked hard, which again, in high school that is hard to do. 

While I was driving in the car with my sister earlier this week, we got to talking about my mission and I remember saying something like "I just hope that when this life is over there isn't anyone that comes up to me and wonders why I didn't share the gospel with them. They were waiting for it, and I never said anything." And then I thought about Kaitlyn. She was Catholic, but she didn't really go to church and she asked questions. I think her favorite show was House and there was a Mormon on it, or something? and I think it just excited her to be that close to a real life Mormon. In the south you don't get those too often. I always answered her question, but I wasn't always enthusiastic to share. Whenever I felt like I should invite her to church, I remembered that there were 2 priests in my ward that went to school with me, and knew Kaitlyn and thought she was annoying, so I thought that it would be better for her not to come. She always mentioned how fun mutual sounded and I never took that as a hint to invite her. I could give you a million reasons why I did what I did, but they are really just excuses for not being brave enough to speak up. And now, as I'm preparing for a mission, I am kicking myself. I'm not saying that she would have joined the church or anything, but it would be nice to know that I had done everything I could to try to tell her of the truthfulness of this gospel. 

Today I was reading over Thomas S. Monson's talk "Finding Joy in the Journey" (if you haven't read it, DO IT NOW) and it's all about how life goes by so fast, and we can't get back the lost time and while I most definitely don't want to go back to high school, I do wish I had shared the gospel with one Kaitlyn Cockcroft, who played the oboe and was salutatorian at my graduation, and even if I wanted to I can't go back and tell 16 year-old me to be kinder or smarter or more compassionate, but I can change what happens now. So I messaged her on facebook. And I'm hoping maybe something sparks. Fingers crossed.

It's my personal goal on my mission, to not stress. I know the importance of the gospel and I want to share it with everyone. But I also know that I am just a mouthpiece for the spirit and I have to let the Holy Ghost testify to people. If people reject the gospel, I am going to be really upset, but I won't let myself become discouraged because as heartbreaking as that is, there is a plan. And I want to help people, including myself, find joy in the journey, because "men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25)  

Give a compliment, get a compliment

THE PARTY WAS A SUCCESS! In case you were wondering. All the 14 year old girls had a blast, and I'm pretty sure all the (almost) 18 year old boys did too. (Weird age range, I know) So thanks to everyone that helped... yes I'm talking to you Genevieve Larsen. (Your own personal shout-out, HOLLA!)

But I digress.

So yesterday at work, a kind of awkward situation occurred (shocking, I know). One of the ladies I work with took one look at me and said,

"Go look in the mirror."
To which I responded, "What? Is there something on my face."
(If you have ever been to Ye Olde Fashioned, you know that that is a great possibility with the amount of ice cream that is flung everywhere. But that wasn't it!) There wasn't anything on my face or in my hair for that matter.
She then said, "Oh, is your hair suppose to look like that? It looks like you didn't have a brush."

I know I shouldn't have been, but I am going to go ahead and use the O-word. I was offended. So new goal. It goes along with one of my new years resolutions, which was to watch what I say.

From now on, I never want to make anyone feel the way I felt, whether it is an accident or not. If you are reading this and I have ever offended you in any way, I am really sorry. Really. I want to start giving people compliments like the people in the video above.I want to make people feel the way that the people in the video made each other feel. Because after all, we are all humans, and we are all on the same team, so why not make each other feel good about. (yes I got that from kid president. If you don't know who that is, look up Kid President's pep talk on youtube stat. It will change your life!)

Shhh! It's a surprise.

Among the many things I am learning while being home, the fact that I am not a "cool" older sister is one of them.
Let me extrapolate:

I'm throwing my little brother an 18th birthday party. For some reason I thought this would make me like the world's greatest sister, but instead I'm stressing out. I literally had a nightmare last night that no one showed up and I had all this stuff ready and Michael just looked at it and then said he was going to hang out with his friends. Can you say anxiety?

When did this happen? When did I suddenly become so completely unaware of what was considered "hip" to all the 18 year-old? Or did I ever even know? --now that I think about it, I didn't even know what was cool when I was 18, a whole year and a half ago!

You know how some people are born with "old souls." I think I was born with a responsible soul. I'm not saying that I have never done anything stupid, because let's face it, I am basically the queen of not thinking before I speak, and I do a lot of things that make people uncomfortable. Just the other night, I thought I would do something "adventurous" so I bought ice cream, drove home and decided to turn the music up a little louder and sit on top of the car and stargaze. First of all, a ford fiesta is entirely too small for any person to sit on, it just is. Secondly, some nosy neighbor came up to me and asked if I was okay. Apparently I looked suspicious. Can you say awkward?...Never again. That being said, I have never done anything truly irresponsible. And believe me, I like it that way. I like feeling dependable and trustworthy, in fact, I get stomach aches when I feel like I have disappointed someone. Needless to say, this party makes me nervous.

It doesn't help that I am the adult supervision (unintentionally!) My dad is in Washington, so it's just me and the kids. When did I get so old?

I promised myself I would blog every week

I don't even know if I have the audacity to write about such an uneventful week, but here we go.

On my list of all time favorite weeks this would not be considered my favorite, or even in the top 1000 (I figured it out, there have been 1026 weeks in my life.)

The sad thing is that it was so uneventful that I'm not even sure why I hated it so much. For some reason I just feel like I have been metaphorically punched in the gut and had the wind knocked out of me, dizziness, nausea. You know... the works.

How do you fix that?
You can't.
You just have to breath in and out until you regain your composure.

So here I am. Just breathing in and out. Hoping.

And being the massive freak/anal/over controlling person that I am, I made a list of things I'm hoping for:

• I hope to be a better friend.  
• I hope to not judge so harshly
• I hope to see other's views as valid
• I hope that someday I can feel like I'm good enough

Why are these things so hard to feel and do? On paper it seems so easy. I write down a schedule in my planner every day. ON PAPER! IN INK! It's right there. It's tangible. It can't be deleted with the click of a button, or erased. In the planner everything looks perfect. It's perfectly placed, timed out exactly (minus bathroom breaks) but when it comes down to it, I do maybe 3 things exactly when I say I'm going to do them. 

dakl;fjlkdsjflakjfdlsjf;lkdalfj

I'm frustrated. Sorry I say things that don't make sense. I think that I am over analyzing. In my head everything sounds great, and deep and insightful. When I read over it, I just sound like a dork. That's why I keep doing it, maybe someday I'll figure out how this whole putting your life on the internet thing works, until then HERE I AM WORLD! Read it and weep. Or don't because that would be awkward, for me. Or maybe just you because I probably wouldn't see you weeping. Or something. MLERP. I don't know what I'm saying... I'm still typing. I'm stopping now.

Ok. 

Bye.  

Regrets

Have you ever regretted not doing something? I do. Sometimes I even regret when I actual doing something. Sometimes I regret actually doing something more than I regret not doing it. Does that make any sense? Didn't think so.

This last semester at school I referred to the semester as #noshame. And in so many ways I stand by that. But the one thing I regret the most is the fact that I read my economic book more than I read the scriptures.

Woah, can you say Molly Mormon? I know, and I'm so not usually like this, all "churchy" but seriously if you think about it, is Heavenly Father really going to judge me on my grade in economics? I semi-wrote a post on this earlier when this guy bore his testimony on Fast Sunday about engineering and said just that... Does Heavenly Father really care how good of an engineer I am?

I should have been studying the words of ancient prophets as much as the words of dead economists.

Out of all the stupid things I did this semester, and trust me there were so so so many stupid things. That is my one and only regret.

But silver lining, the world didn't end this year. Hallelujah. So here is to second chances.

What?!?! You mean to tell me the world didn't end?

So here we are. 2013. I know shocking, another person posting about "The New Year" with new promises, and resolutions and...

Shall I continue?

I think this is the first year that I actually sat down and planned out "resolutions." But my resolutions aren't so much "resolutions" as preparation. I am going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A MISSION. There is a reason they call it that. You have a purpose, a companion, a handbook!!! Most kids my age are worrying about buying books and dating and shopping. All things that they should be worried about. I am by no means saying that isn't exactly what should be on the mind of a 19 year old, but I have been called BY GOD. It's big and I'm not ready, not even close. So yeah, I have been doing some preparation.

I am bearing my soul to the cosmic universe that is the world wide web, and what better way to do that then to write down my "resolutions"? I like to think of it as more of a guide to my mission. Maybe this way, if they are posted for everyone to see, I will have a better chance of actually doing all that I want to do.

Here they are:
1.Read scriptures for at least 30 minutes everyday
2.Read at least 1 section of Preach my Gospel everyday.
3.Exercise for at least 30 minutes everyday, except Sunday
4.Study Czech for at least 30 minutes everyday (and learn something new about Czech/Slovak every week)
5.Read at least 1 book that will make me a better person a week (non church related)
6.Read the "white" handbook at least once a week
7.Schedule my week on Sunday before it happens
8.Finish reading through the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants before my mission
9.Give first a positive answer, and then my opinion
10.Don't use words you wouldn't feel comfortable using as a missionary
11.Pray every night and day AT LEAST
12.Try to visit the temple once a month
13.Do 1 act of service, however small, at least once a week
14.Write in journal everyday, blog once a week
15.Play the piano/sing at least 2 times a week for 30 minutes
16.Thing about what you say before you say it
17.Try to reach out to 1 old friend once a week
18.Keep with the mission schedule as best as possible (6:30am-10:30pm)
19.Try to recognize the spirit working in my life through myself and through others

Those are it my "resolutions" or "goals" or whatever you want to call them. Considering I only started today, the 7th of January, I guess I'm not exactly off to a spectacular start, but I'm trying my best. I guess we will all see how it goes. Today wasn't perfect, or anywhere near it, but go big or go home right?

p.s. Sorry for those of you who read this and think, man this girl is obsessed with her mission. Get a life already!!! I know, but seriously this is pretty much the biggest thing happening in my life right now, or like the only thing. I am back in SC and there is not much to do here. I only work like twice a week and besides that I only see my family and the dear, dear people of Summerville 1st ward, of which I know a total of like 5 people (none of which are my age). So my mission, and the progress I am making with that is probably going to be the only topic of my blog until October 2014. SORRY IN ADVANCE!