Conversation

It was definitely an enlightening weekend.

What I learned:

• Boys really hate zombies, and when you cover their apartment in streamers... unless they are the ones helping you, then they really like it.

• Don't have pumpkin carving parties because no one will come, or just don't have pumpkins at all because they get stolen from unknown assailants.

• Be careful who you trust.
• Trust Heavenly Father

• Don't forget to pray

(weird combination of material...some would even say eclectic---insert eyebrow raise for using a fancy word here)

Not to get all churchy on y'all, but it was a really good Sabbath day. It was ward conference today and the topic was conversion. --Alma 37:37
For some reason it hit me really hard. I don't pray enough. One of the speakers started relaying the song "If the Savior stood Beside me" and how we should live like he is always beside us. But all I kept think was. Man, what if we have nothing to talk about. What if it is one of those awkward moments were no one is talking so then I just start saying random off the wall crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. (Is this sacreligious?) I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but honestly I don't share enough with them. It wasn't until Sunday that I realized, I'm not praying because they need to know what is going on in my life because they know everything. God is Omniscient for goodness sakes! I'm praying to them for me. It's like the hymn, "Where Can I turn for Peace" I can turn to Heavenly Father, that's where. I can't do everything. I'm not Martha.

It was also a great day because we had a Vocal Point fireside. Those guys are seriously the best. They are like the city of Enoch. They should all get an automatic pass straight to Heaven. Any guy who prays for the safety of his future wife when he is 16 years old has serious general authority potential.
Another one talked about how chocolate is not the same as peanut butter. No matter how much peanut butter we eat and how much we want it to be chocolate. It never will be. So we need to look out for substitutes because they are never going to replace the real thing. Last thing (I promise) they asked us to think about what you would do if you knew you would never see someone again. What would you say? I really hope that this never happens.

it just got me thinking.

Time to Put on my Big Girl Pants.

Seriously half the time what am I thinking? Maybe I'm not thinking. Maybe that is my problem. I don't think. Like this weekend, I clearly wasn't thinking when I blew of my real friend to hang out with people in my ward. That is what not thinking looks like.

You know what not thinking gets you? It gets you a 7th wheel on a triple date is what. (Go stargazing they said, it's not a date they said.) Note to self: I love Diana, but when she is concerned it's always a date. (Her on a date and me all alone and stuff.)

I may have had a minor freak out about this situation. (And by minor I mean I cried in the cold at 2 AM and refused to return to my apartment).

Honestly why? Why freak out about this. I know I am emotional and I know I cry, but sometimes crying only gets you so far. At some point I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and get over it. Crying isn't going to get my mission papers done, and crying isn't going to study for me and crying isn't going to make guys like me. In fact it's the opposite. It's a waste of time.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that there are times when every girl needs to watch an improperly categorized netflix movie and have a good cry. But seriously I tear up when people talk about puppies. It's a problem. And most of the time it's self-pity, which is the worst kind of pity because it's selfish.

So seriously what to do? Wear my heart on my sleeve, or make like the abominable snowman and be cold?


W.H. Arden said,

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

I'm not even applying this to my love life, because I don't have or want one (BUMP that I'm going on a mission!) But I'm talking with all of my relationships. I'm so needy. I want to be the person giving the advice, not the one demanding it. I need to grow up.

Pixie dust, fairy tales and T-Swift songs are cute when you are 8 years-old but there is a point where dreams either become goals or they go to the place where all abandoned dreams go (probably the same place where missing left socks go... why is it that only 1 of them gets lost. It kills me!) But I digress.

 Come on Bruno, be a man. Be tough. Or don't?

Competition... take 2

I know I know, I already titled one of my posts "Competition". But this time it's different because I am officially half-way (aka ALMOST DONE) with Econ 110. (And although I know this is completely false) I would consider my self a budding economist with some idea of what "competition" is.

Competition drives the market, NOT TRADITION! (in case you were wondering)

If this is the case, then why OH WHY am I unwilling to change and grow and break tradition? I am crazy competitive, just ask the girls I live with. But on second thought, don't ask them because I don't even think they realize that I am. I honestly feel like I am always in a COMPETITION (competition) with them. They have gone on more dates then me, they look cuter in that skirt, they are smarter.

Why do I do this to myself? This isn't Fiddler on the Roof. I'm not in a movie. I'm not a Jewish man named Tevye. For Heaven's Sakes! I am me.
 I am small, but I am fierce. From now on that is my mantra because I am sick of telling myself that I'm awkward and that I'm going to die alone (even if I'm joking). I hurt my own feelings. How is that even possible?  One thing is for sure, this girl is doing it. What the "it" is I haven't quite thought all the way through, but the possiblities are endless, right? And failure is not an option.

Plan. and execute.

Do You Think that Heavenly Father Cares How Great of a Mechanical Engineer You Are?

Today was hard for me because it was fast Sunday. I forgot to start the day with a prayer to fast so I did it while I was waiting for my bishop interview outside the bishops office. I prayed to know if going on a mission was the right thing to do. I really feel like it is, but I still need that burning in my heart.

My bishop thought so too. He told me that I shouldn't be going because I feel pressure from my family, or because I want to see new places or because I wasn't having luck with boys.

He told me that I should go because I truly want to serve the Lord and help people.

I really do want to help people. I just feel like most of the time, I have no idea how.

Is making cookies to bring over really that important when you forgot to even read the lesson, and when aren't even good enough friends with your companion (who you live with) to tell her that you want to go next week? It's not good enough. I need to get passed the shallow, I'm too scared to actually help you so I will just send you over something that I think is nice but that I didn't have to try to get to know you doing. (if that even makes sense)

Nothing I say anymore makes any sense to me.

I've been having a really hard time breathing lately and not because of the altitude.

I think it's because I'm realizing the things that I know are built on a weak foundation. I don't know if you know the song, but that guy's house falls down.

I need to actually be better and smarter and more spiritual. But I don't know how. Am I really trying as hard as I think I am, or am I making that up in my head?

In fast and testimony meeting today a guy was reflecting on his life and how he wasn't the best mechanical engineer but then asked if Heavenly Father really cares about how great he is at it. That is incredible to think about. Does Heavenly Father care about economics? If I care, he cares. But not in the same way. Is economics going to matter in Heaven? Probably not. But getting an education does matter. I need to start thinking, if I'm learning, I'm growing. And have not confidence, but courage, in my self

I need help.
I need to pray more.

My Cup Runneth Over

This.

This says I'm going on a mission. ASAP.

I can't take my mind off of it.

Am I ready? Does the Lord want me? This is madness.

What I thought would be a two year wait has turned into 1 week. Less than 1 week. 6 days and 10 hours and 15 minutes until my bishop interview where I can start to do my mission papers.

I want to leave like yesterday. After sending all those guys off on their missions last year, I can't believe it is finally my turn.

My family has been so supportive of this. Literally during this talk I got text messages telling me to turn in my papers. As much as I love them and am so extremely grateful for their support, this one's on me.

Something that seemed so distant is now so close, and I'm running to it. I know this is right and I wanted to document this feeling so that when I am doubting myself I can go back and read it and know that my first witness was so sure, that any feeling of doubt is fear speaking.
Fears like:
1. My bffs are going to be married before I get home (Especially in this world filled with Scott Disick look alikes and dinosaur-enthusiast TAs)
2. My sisters will get married while I'm gone
3. MY MATURITY LEVEL (Please tell me I'm ready to go)
4. Finances (let's face it, mine are kind of a hot mess right now)

I'm no longer making sense, but I just can't stop thinking about all this means.

Validation v. Expiration

I got a 90% on my D&C midterm. I don't get A's on religion tests. I'm so excited. I love when I feel validated after studying.

I got a 92.5% on my Art History class. I am freaking out.

Trust me when I say I am not bragging. I PROMISE. I'm not. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me remember all that I studied. I have seen his hand so often in my life lately.

When will the trials start? When will my "good luck end?" That's just the thing. With the Lord's help, it will never end. I got the worst grade I have ever gotten on a test this week. Seriously economics is of the devil. Literally. I think I recall a certain scripture like maybe Jacob 2 something "Before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God..." I'm just kidding about it being of the Devil. I'm just really frustrated, but right before I had the chance to feel like my good fortune was "expired" the Lord gave me a wonderful gift this weekend. (Seriously just in the nick of time, there was a definite O.D. of coldstone and chocolate)

The Lord, through modern day revelation made it possible for me to serve a mission at age 19. I'm freaking out, but NOT panicking. And this is HUGE for me because I panic about everything. I feel so right about this. IT'S SO THE OPPOSITE OF MY ECON TEST. Unlike that terrible, terrible test, all the answers seem to be falling into place. Thank you Heavenly Father. Thanks so much for this blessing. My only hope is that I can go as soon as possible and serve the Lord and my fellow men. I'm so excited.

 I have an appointment with the bishop for next sunday at 11:45. AHHHHH!