Sometimes everything just feels wrong.
Like when you go to work and everything you say is just wrong.
You are suppose to be in the water for 1 more hour and it thunders. Wrong.
You only eat fast food the entire day. So wrong.
Everyone thinks that I work so hard, but it's times like these that I really question my character as a person. Am I really doing everything I could be doing as a sister, a daughter and a friend? Am I a Christ-like individual? Right now the answer feels wrong. It feels like a big fat no.
So what can I do?
I guess the only real answer is to read my scriptures (which I don't do nearly enough), say a prayer, and go to bed. Then I guess I'll try to make tomorrow a day that feels right. I day where I take chances and fulfill my destiny.
Whatever that is.
God put me here for a reason and as much as I don't want to disappoint my friends, family, or even myself, his opinion is the only one that matters. Now if only I could write that down on a piece of paper and staple it to my head so I don't forget it!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Mission: Possible
Today, we hiked. By we I mean Gen, Nikki, Chiara, Asher, Desi and Me.
By hiked I mean walked along a dike on a scenic route for about a mile while shedding our body weight in sweat. It was literally a hot mess. But probably one of the funnest things I've done all summer.
Desi and I, being the adventurous souls that we are bought wolf shirts, hiking boots and brand new water bottles and set out. We stopped by Gen's house to pick something up and wound up convincing them to come along. Let's just say we weren't as prepared as we should have been. There was some walking along a road, a small case of dehydration, and a big case of confusion. But it was fun! And we formed an official wolf pack which includes shirts and friendship bracelets, so I guess there really is always a bright side.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me.
Every time I write a letter to a missionary, I hold my breath.
Moments like that take me back to middle school when I would look around the room for a partner and think to myself, I really thought I had friends. Or maybe that was just me? I seriously start to question the validity of our friendship. I start to ask questions like, whenever in my life have I annoyed this person? Are they still annoyed at this one isolated event that may have caused them annoyance? Am I distracting them? Do they have a stamp to write me back?
I do it as some sort of weird coping mechanism trying to convince myself not to send the letters. That was until I talked to one of my sisters (a returned missionary) who told me that none of the things that I am worrying about even matter. In the end, what the letter said doesn't even matter. What matters is that I care enough to write the letters. She told me that I may regret not caring enough, but I will never regret caring too much.
She is so right. It reminds me of the W H Auden poem "If equal affections cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." Speaking as a girl who has a really hard time sharing her emotions, (except in quick, random bursts usually involving midol and chocolate) I really need to implement these words in my lifestyle. ASAP.
Plus these boys are my friends and I love them and miss them and only want the best for them, so I hope that I am doing no harm by sending these letters because really they are helping me out by writing back. Every letter I get strengthens my testimony because there faith is translated so clearly in their letters. It is contagious.
Today was different though because today was a fairytale. I got a letter from the missionary. The missionary that I compare all other boys to. He tells me that I can fight (metaphorical) Laminates and win, and that he admires how hard I work in school and all aspects of my life and he makes me believe that everything I do is important while still making me laugh.
All this DOES NOT mean that I'm waiting for him, and he is my eternal companion and just doesn't know it yet.
I wish!
No but really, I'm just glad that guys like him exist because I would be happy to end up with someone half as spiritually minded and able to share, so easily, the gospel that he knows and loves.
By hiked I mean walked along a dike on a scenic route for about a mile while shedding our body weight in sweat. It was literally a hot mess. But probably one of the funnest things I've done all summer.
Desi and I, being the adventurous souls that we are bought wolf shirts, hiking boots and brand new water bottles and set out. We stopped by Gen's house to pick something up and wound up convincing them to come along. Let's just say we weren't as prepared as we should have been. There was some walking along a road, a small case of dehydration, and a big case of confusion. But it was fun! And we formed an official wolf pack which includes shirts and friendship bracelets, so I guess there really is always a bright side.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me.
Every time I write a letter to a missionary, I hold my breath.
Moments like that take me back to middle school when I would look around the room for a partner and think to myself, I really thought I had friends. Or maybe that was just me? I seriously start to question the validity of our friendship. I start to ask questions like, whenever in my life have I annoyed this person? Are they still annoyed at this one isolated event that may have caused them annoyance? Am I distracting them? Do they have a stamp to write me back?
I do it as some sort of weird coping mechanism trying to convince myself not to send the letters. That was until I talked to one of my sisters (a returned missionary) who told me that none of the things that I am worrying about even matter. In the end, what the letter said doesn't even matter. What matters is that I care enough to write the letters. She told me that I may regret not caring enough, but I will never regret caring too much.
She is so right. It reminds me of the W H Auden poem "If equal affections cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." Speaking as a girl who has a really hard time sharing her emotions, (except in quick, random bursts usually involving midol and chocolate) I really need to implement these words in my lifestyle. ASAP.
Plus these boys are my friends and I love them and miss them and only want the best for them, so I hope that I am doing no harm by sending these letters because really they are helping me out by writing back. Every letter I get strengthens my testimony because there faith is translated so clearly in their letters. It is contagious.
Today was different though because today was a fairytale. I got a letter from the missionary. The missionary that I compare all other boys to. He tells me that I can fight (metaphorical) Laminates and win, and that he admires how hard I work in school and all aspects of my life and he makes me believe that everything I do is important while still making me laugh.
All this DOES NOT mean that I'm waiting for him, and he is my eternal companion and just doesn't know it yet.
I wish!
No but really, I'm just glad that guys like him exist because I would be happy to end up with someone half as spiritually minded and able to share, so easily, the gospel that he knows and loves.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The Road to Jericho is Lined with Thieves
I went to an amazing fireside today. I can't put my finger on what exactly was so great about it, but it's like they knew exactly what I needed to hear and spoke right to my heart.
The speakers were the band "Jericho Road". Not only was the music uplifting but their testimonies were so... I don't even know what other word to use... but inspired.
One of the men spoke about a marathon that he ran with his wife. The wife was clearly a better athlete, but he decided to participate to raise money and spend time with his wife. While he was running he had the worst shooting pain in his leg and he wasn't sure if he would finish. When he did cross the finish line a women came up to him and shared that if He could finish then she knew she could. He told us that this should be an example to us that no matter what you are doing or who it is that you are effecting, you can change someone's life.
WOAH. Me? That struck a nerve. I feel really small sometimes. And not just because I'm 5'1.
Because I feel like no one listens. Or really even cares. That message was for me because someone is watching me.
I just don't know who.
But I'm ready to go out and do. I'm not really sure what. BUT SOMETHING! Anything that makes a difference. Because if you aren't changing for the better than what are you doing?
I don't have a plan but I have the plan so I'll go and do. Just like Nephi.
Thanks for the wake up call Jericho Road. iTunes just made $9.99
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
What the...
I deleted my other blog. And don't know how or where or when. It's just g-o-n-e. Oops
So in true fashion, I created another one. By the end of my life I am going to have about 30 blogs and so much useless crap on the internet that people will know more about me than I do about myself. All because I don't know how to work a computer. Awesome.
Quick update on me. I got into my first car accident today. No bueno. My sister was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. It was really lame too. All Desi was doing was backing up in the neighborhood. No cool story here. Just $1,000 worth of damage for backing up. Hot mess. Luckily we are both okay and the car isn't totaled. The worst part is that is was the new car. Why couldn't it have been the crappy car that we have had for a million years? Why did it have to be the new one? Oh well. YOLO.
The life diet is going pretty well. If you don't know what my life diet is, it's because I explained it on the other blog that I misplaced (seriously I have no idea where the crap this blog went and it's really bothering me). Today's theme was fiber. I got a bunch of it. I went to the gym too. Which I never do, so I feel really accomplished.
Other than the whole crushing the back of my dad's new car it was a pretty okay day. I really hope Desi doesn't have to pay too much for it because she is doing so well saving for her mission. This really stinks. I feel like it was Satan trying to stop a soldier in the army of Heleman. He won't succeed. She's way to strong for his sorry behind.
On a lighter note I found out just how nosy my neighbors are today when count them (1, 2) 3 people came out trying to figure out how the accident happened. Geez louis people! Mind your own business. In their defense I would have done the same thing, but from my bedroom window. So kudos to them for having the kahuna's to get their butts off the couch and turn off Law and Order reruns just to snoop. Well played Ashborough residents, well played.
So in true fashion, I created another one. By the end of my life I am going to have about 30 blogs and so much useless crap on the internet that people will know more about me than I do about myself. All because I don't know how to work a computer. Awesome.
Quick update on me. I got into my first car accident today. No bueno. My sister was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. It was really lame too. All Desi was doing was backing up in the neighborhood. No cool story here. Just $1,000 worth of damage for backing up. Hot mess. Luckily we are both okay and the car isn't totaled. The worst part is that is was the new car. Why couldn't it have been the crappy car that we have had for a million years? Why did it have to be the new one? Oh well. YOLO.
The life diet is going pretty well. If you don't know what my life diet is, it's because I explained it on the other blog that I misplaced (seriously I have no idea where the crap this blog went and it's really bothering me). Today's theme was fiber. I got a bunch of it. I went to the gym too. Which I never do, so I feel really accomplished.
Other than the whole crushing the back of my dad's new car it was a pretty okay day. I really hope Desi doesn't have to pay too much for it because she is doing so well saving for her mission. This really stinks. I feel like it was Satan trying to stop a soldier in the army of Heleman. He won't succeed. She's way to strong for his sorry behind.
On a lighter note I found out just how nosy my neighbors are today when count them (1, 2) 3 people came out trying to figure out how the accident happened. Geez louis people! Mind your own business. In their defense I would have done the same thing, but from my bedroom window. So kudos to them for having the kahuna's to get their butts off the couch and turn off Law and Order reruns just to snoop. Well played Ashborough residents, well played.
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