My Cup Runneth Over

This.

This says I'm going on a mission. ASAP.

I can't take my mind off of it.

Am I ready? Does the Lord want me? This is madness.

What I thought would be a two year wait has turned into 1 week. Less than 1 week. 6 days and 10 hours and 15 minutes until my bishop interview where I can start to do my mission papers.

I want to leave like yesterday. After sending all those guys off on their missions last year, I can't believe it is finally my turn.

My family has been so supportive of this. Literally during this talk I got text messages telling me to turn in my papers. As much as I love them and am so extremely grateful for their support, this one's on me.

Something that seemed so distant is now so close, and I'm running to it. I know this is right and I wanted to document this feeling so that when I am doubting myself I can go back and read it and know that my first witness was so sure, that any feeling of doubt is fear speaking.
Fears like:
1. My bffs are going to be married before I get home (Especially in this world filled with Scott Disick look alikes and dinosaur-enthusiast TAs)
2. My sisters will get married while I'm gone
3. MY MATURITY LEVEL (Please tell me I'm ready to go)
4. Finances (let's face it, mine are kind of a hot mess right now)

I'm no longer making sense, but I just can't stop thinking about all this means.

Validation v. Expiration

I got a 90% on my D&C midterm. I don't get A's on religion tests. I'm so excited. I love when I feel validated after studying.

I got a 92.5% on my Art History class. I am freaking out.

Trust me when I say I am not bragging. I PROMISE. I'm not. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me remember all that I studied. I have seen his hand so often in my life lately.

When will the trials start? When will my "good luck end?" That's just the thing. With the Lord's help, it will never end. I got the worst grade I have ever gotten on a test this week. Seriously economics is of the devil. Literally. I think I recall a certain scripture like maybe Jacob 2 something "Before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God..." I'm just kidding about it being of the Devil. I'm just really frustrated, but right before I had the chance to feel like my good fortune was "expired" the Lord gave me a wonderful gift this weekend. (Seriously just in the nick of time, there was a definite O.D. of coldstone and chocolate)

The Lord, through modern day revelation made it possible for me to serve a mission at age 19. I'm freaking out, but NOT panicking. And this is HUGE for me because I panic about everything. I feel so right about this. IT'S SO THE OPPOSITE OF MY ECON TEST. Unlike that terrible, terrible test, all the answers seem to be falling into place. Thank you Heavenly Father. Thanks so much for this blessing. My only hope is that I can go as soon as possible and serve the Lord and my fellow men. I'm so excited.

 I have an appointment with the bishop for next sunday at 11:45. AHHHHH!

It's Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

The series of events of this day were preposterous.

I woke up at 8:40 AM, which is normally a wonderful time of the day-- the sun shines, the birds chirp. But you don't have time to hear them if you are running to the 9AM class that you are late for.



I learned that lesson the hard way.

I also learned that BYU should have these signs



as to avoid students tripping (and landing completely flat on their face) on uneven ground when they are running with their backpacks on to the 9 AM class that they are late for. Seriously.

I wish I could say that I could see clearly now the rain was gone, and that it was going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day. But then my life would be easy and we all know I like a challenge.

I read the chapter the night before D&C. I had a quiz in D&C. I fail a quiz in D&C. Confused? Me too.


All but 5 printers on campus were broken today. It's times like that where I wonder if I'm Jim Carrey and the BYU bubble is just a town that television producers made to follow me around and film my life. If that's the case, y'all have a distorted view on entertainment.



All in all, today was pretty terrible but that's the way the cookie crumbles (another Jim Carrey reference) and I keep on rolling (in the deep).



(which almost makes this day worth it)

I think therefore I am

Everything is stressful for me right now. My classes, my social life, my spirituality (or rather lack thereof). Why is balance so hard? Why is homeostasis such an important part of our lives? Why am I having such a hard time finding it?

I feel like I'm not good enough. I hate that feeling. I want to punch that feeling in the face.

My sister says that this time of my life is the time that I am going to feel that way. I'm going to feel like I'm not good enough and like God doesn't love me. She said that the only way she got over it was by going on her mission.

I hate waiting.

I know I'm not being coherent, but this is literally the sequence of events that is going on in my mind.

I think I can do this. I don't know if I can, but maybe by thinking that I can, I just will.

Let's hope

Competition

It brings out the worst/best in people.

Have you ever wondered why some people thrive and some people crack under the pressure of competition?

I crack easier than an uncooked Easter egg that someone is carrying around on a spoon conveniently  placed inside their mouth. It's bad.

And yet when things come easily to me, I question why that is.

I hate competing for grades. I hate competing for attention. Most of all I hate competing for dryers when my clothes are sopping wet and just want to be dry but can't dry because the girl that had her clothes in before decided that she needed to do another load so she put her stuff in the dryer that you thought was going to be free but isn't because she had to wash her undies! I really hate that.

Darwin was wrong. Why can't our best be enough? Or better yet why can't we all just bake a cake full of rainbows and unicorns (yes that was a reference to Mean Girl, no I won't use anymore)?

In a world that's so full of mine, I wish there was a little more we. None for Gretchen Wieners (last one I promise).

and yet... I'm probably the most guilty of thinking about myself.

OHHH the irony!!!

Labor on Labor Day

Ironically enough, this labor day, I went to work.

Not literally work, because it was labor day and I'm pretty sure there is a law against that or something...

But I did HOME-work.

That sounds really lame. No I did not hike the many mountains in Utah this Labor Day (although there were definite plans) or hang out on the lake, but I sat outside in the grass, on carpet (LOOOOOng story) and did homework. It was relaxing.

I didn't think about how weird I probably seem to the girls living next door to us that hear our shouting and dancing and painting (Oh yeah, we painted a shopping cart this weekend), and I didn't worry about the boys (and girls!) in my ward that are RETURNED MISSIONARIES and really intimidating to talk to,  and I didn't worry about what I was going to eat for dinner that night (well maybe I worried about that one a little), but in that hour and a half that I was sitting in the sun on a carpet, in the grass outside my apartment, I worried about just one thing.

That's what I love about homework (how many people can say that?!?!) I love that for just a little while you worry about 1 class, 1 teacher, 1 assignment. And then your done, onto the next thing.

There is something almost therapeutic about that. Only 1 care in the world... that and the fact that you get to color coat, and anyone who knows me knows that I love me a 5 pack of highlighters (one for every class)

Keep Your Heels and Your Standards High

(Yes, I did make that comment in relief society today).

This weekend has been a first of many:

The first time living in an apartment without supervision. (No parents, no RA's, no one to take care of me!)
The first time, in a long time, that I got to hang out with long-lost friends from Cali,
The first time buying pots and pans, dishes, glasses, hangers, food ALL BY MYSELF,
The first time in the Provo YSA 199th ward of the 14th stake (I can't believe the numbers go that high!)

It's so strange to be back in Provo. I feel like I've been thrown into a feeding frenzy. There are so many people and books and classes, I feel overwhelmed. Luckily this feeding frenzy has a silver lining. The gospel. I can't imagine my week without it. I really wouldn't have made it through.

Church was insane. I know a total of 8 people after, 3 of which are my roommates. We talked about marriage in relief society (I'm freaking out!) Is marriage really attainable? Is a mission really that close to my future? I don't know. But one thing is for sure.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving into the unknown. Wish me luck!