High School was not the highlight of my life... most of you can probably relate. You give me a cheerleader or captain of the football team, or student body president and I will give you a self-conscious, poorly dressed member of the band (I played oboe) with braces and greasy hair. I'm pretty sure that my entire sophomore year I didn't utter a single word because I was the new girl and let's face it, kids are mean (it didn't help that I had braces until I was 17 either). Don't get me wrong, I didn't get picked on much. For the most part I think I just annoyed people because I stressed out about school
SO much, either that or people just didn't know I existed. (I kid you not, on my graduation day, in a class of 300 kids a boy that I had 4 classes with throughout high school asked if I had graduated early.) I'm not sure which is worse. Needless to say, I wouldn't wish high school on my worst enemy. But hey, I loved to learn. I think I am one of the only people on the planet who preferred to go to the library during lunch, and not to read, but to do my homework! It didn't hurt that I made good grades either. In fact, that encouraged me. And the friends that I had were smart too.
There was this one friend---Kaitlyn. We a lot in common. We played the same instrument and both went to region band, we rode the same bus, we were driven, as far as class ranks went, she was 2 and I was 3. And in a lot of ways that killed me. I found her annoying and rude and gosh she was just such a know-it-all. But she was real, and in high school that is hard to do. She was seriously the most, true to herself person that I think I have ever met. And she worked hard, which again, in high school that is hard to do.
While I was driving in the car with my sister earlier this week, we got to talking about my mission and I remember saying something like "I just hope that when this life is over there isn't anyone that comes up to me and wonders why I didn't share the gospel with them. They were waiting for it, and I never said anything." And then I thought about Kaitlyn. She was Catholic, but she didn't really go to church and she asked questions. I think her favorite show was House and there was a Mormon on it, or something? and I think it just excited her to be that close to a real life Mormon. In the south you don't get those too often. I always answered her question, but I wasn't always enthusiastic to share. Whenever I felt like I should invite her to church, I remembered that there were 2 priests in my ward that went to school with me, and knew Kaitlyn and thought she was annoying, so I thought that it would be better for her not to come. She always mentioned how fun mutual sounded and I never took that as a hint to invite her. I could give you a million reasons why I did what I did, but they are really just excuses for not being brave enough to speak up. And now, as I'm preparing for a mission, I am kicking myself. I'm not saying that she would have joined the church or anything, but it would be nice to know that I had done everything I could to try to tell her of the truthfulness of this gospel.
Today I was reading over Thomas S. Monson's talk
"Finding Joy in the Journey" (if you haven't read it, DO IT NOW) and it's all about how life goes by so fast, and we can't get back the lost time and while I most definitely don't want to go back to high school, I do wish I had shared the gospel with one Kaitlyn Cockcroft, who played the oboe and was salutatorian at my graduation, and even if I wanted to I can't go back and tell 16 year-old me to be kinder or smarter or more compassionate, but I can change what happens now. So I messaged her on facebook. And I'm hoping maybe something sparks. Fingers crossed.
It's my personal goal on my mission, to not stress. I know the importance of the gospel and I want to share it with everyone. But I also know that I am just a mouthpiece for the spirit and I have to let the Holy Ghost testify to people. If people reject the gospel, I am going to be really upset, but I won't let myself become discouraged because as heartbreaking as that is, there is a plan. And I want to help people, including myself, find joy in the journey, because "men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25)
